Hello and welcome to the podcast, What Our Parents Didn't Teach Us. This is a place where we will be creating space to discuss all the lessons that we've learned along the way that have led us to where we are today. We'll have conversations with entrepreneurs and freelancers and people from all over the world about what it means to be successful. And the things that we've learned that we hope to pass on to you. I'm your fearless host, Courtney Nicole. I'm a coach that currently resides in Denver, Colorado with my wife, two dogs and plus or minus 27 plants. And I can't wait to talk to you. What did your parents not teach you? What do you wish you would've known? What would have helped you like in this current situation or season of life when you're just like, this is the stuff you don't get taught anywhere.
Kayte:That's such a good question. And I think I'm going to back up a little bit to give you some context, but I also have been really ruminating on this lately in my personal growth. So it's, it feels very cosmic that we're talking. I was raised in Maine, very Catholic. Like when I say Catholic, I mean, my great-grandfather built the stone church with his hands on main street in the town I grew up in. Like, and I didn't even realize how Catholic we were until later in life. Monsignor would come over for Sunday brunch. And my dad went to a Catholic school and the priest that baptized me was one of the like kid diddlers in that fucking movie that came out. And I just like, that was a whole thing that I just thought was normal. And then I was like, Oh, that's very much the Catholic religion. I guess that's like a kind of interesting place to jump into in terms of what my parents didn't teach me. They taught me so much more I feel like than a lot of parents do in terms of like mental health and therapy. Both of my parents come from very addictive and abusive families. They're very open about it. Both of them are in programs themselves. I've actually been sober from alcohol and drugs for four years. Thank you so much. Yeah, it's been a fucking ride, but it's been worth every second. So, I felt very blessed and fortunate to have had examples of what doing the work looked like. They were by no means perfect, but I have to give my parents a lot of credit that they really went to therapy, started those really hard questions that like many people in their generations had never even considered as an option, like therapy or any type of a support group was very new and kind of taboo. And they were kind of going through it. And they actually got married and then waited 10 years to have me so that they could work through that. So I, I always like to say that because that is not lost on me. I have a very awesome relationship now with my parents, very fortunate for that, but it was not always easy. It's taken us a very long time to get there. And I also joke with them now that I feel like because they came from such a non-communicative place, they swung a little too far in the other direction. Like we would sit down and have family meetings where we would like, have to talk about our feelings or I couldn't leave. So when you asked me what didn't my parents teach me, I feel like it's almost an opposite of what some parents taught their kids, they taught me to be almost like too open about things to the point where I developed like people pleasing tendencies and just like no boundaries. Like, It was really hard for me to know that like you shouldn't trust everybody with those feelings and those really intimate details. And that posed a lot of problems in my personal and professional life for a really long time. People were walking all over me in the workplace and using me and publishing my photos in billboard magazine without credit or payment. And yeah, it was crazy. I think parents and people do the best that they can, but it's really, really interesting that people can come from totally different backgrounds and still end up in the same place. So, I think that's just like a good place maybe to start with this conversation that like, they taught me a lot of really different things that still fucked me up, but also made me where I am today.
Courtney Nicole:Sure. Yeah. I love, I love the idea of what our parents didn't teach us, because I think it lends itself to what our parents couldn't teach us. And whether it's because they themselves were abused or they grew up in terrible situations or whatever it is, it's what couldn't they teach us that we've had to learn that we can help others learn so that they don't have to learn it the hard way. It's what couldn't they, because of their own issues that they were working through, or just the time they grew up in. So from what I hear you saying, it's kind of a conversation, a little bit around boundaries or your parents, basically. A lot of times kids feel that their parents put the boundaries too strict, too close, and they can't feel like they can move. So a big step for them is to break through those. But for you, you were just like, my parents didn't know where to set the boundaries. So I got to learn how to set them. And I think setting and breaking and moving and really negotiating boundaries is such a huge part of life. Like how do we just skip that? Why isn't that taught in like second grade?
Kayte:I honestly ask myself those questions all the time and I see even former clients when I was working at Out Front, this one woman, Maggie is her name, she founded this company, Pure Bodies, which is in Denver, and it's all about mindfulness for children. And just like how to work through emotional things that in like normal education systems are seen as a weakness, or bad, or you shouldn't be breaking down at school. Well, like these kids are five and six and we're in the middle of a pandemic and living in a world where we as adults don't even know how to navigate life. Like how do you expect a little kid to understand these emotions when they're literally a sponge of us as well? So I think it's really beautiful that those things are coming out. But that's also an educator that was in like a public school system who had to break out on her own and start something new. So we have a long way to go. It's interesting because it's almost like they had super boundaries around like public shit, but I haven't been able to set boundaries because I was also an only child. So for me, I'm like, they're all I have. I'm hanging out with adults. Like I'm also really good friends with kids my age, but it was like this weird, like I'm talking to adults all the time, but I'm also hanging out with kids my age. And I don't know if I just assumed that they have the same cognitive abilities as my parents' friends, and maybe that's where the wires got crossed on like a subconscious level, but it was so bizarre because I felt like I was always acting and like playing this part of Kayte has to be in a dress and putting her best face forward and doing all of this shit. But like you said, like my parents didn't know any different and they thought that that's what was the best thing for me. And even with my art and my career, my mom was an art teacher for 25 years and then became an interior designer. My dad is a lifelong entrepreneur who actually, when you said nonprofits, I had to laugh because he does fundraising for nonprofits. So I know your life in a non-profit sense, like to my core, it's a totally different world. But, the fear that they were experiencing around what they had to risk to get to where they were really started trickling into their fears of what I was going to experience in life. And I think when I was old enough to really understand that, and when I frankly found a therapist who could help me work through that, that was when I started being able to make breakthroughs to communicate with them as an adult too. Like they were so afraid of me becoming an artist because they didn't want me to fail and they didn't want me to be financially unstable. But what they didn't realize is by telling me that I couldn't do that, I was just like suppressing this part of myself that is the only thing that makes me happy. And they didn't mean to do that. They just were trying to protect me.
Courtney Nicole:Yeah. I mean, they did it for good reasons. I feel like there's something in there about society, like where we've come from, from like cave man days all the way to here that it's just kind of this pendulum swing between doing something because of what you're afraid of and doing something because of what you're excited or passionate or searching or seeking out in life. And I feel like our parents' generation responded in fear. They were like, do this, or you'll lose your 401k or you'll lose your job or you'll lose your child or you'll lose all this other stuff. It just became like this massive accumulation. And all of it was around fear. And they really feel like they generally lost sight of what if you did it because you love it. What if you did it for the hell of it or did it because of passion? Did it for something you could see getting and see gaining that maybe isn't tangible or isn't something you could list off. But instead of what you're afraid of, do it because of what you want to gain. And what would it look like to live a life where you got to run towards what you wanted? Whether that was being an artist or having a relationship with your family or being an entrepreneur? Being a CEO or having millions of dollars, like just decide what you want to run towards and start doing that. And don't worry so much about where you grew up or where you came from. That can be a part of your story, but I've lived enough lives like a cat to know that that's not it. It doesn't really matter where you've been. Take what's helpful to you and move on. And keep running towards that thing that's going to bring you life.
Kayte:I really like what you said about take what's helpful for you and then move on because the last four years since getting sober, I think that's been like the number one thing that's guided me. Like I've always preached that everything is a spectrum. Like I think we know gender and sexuality and all of these things. But for me, I learned that sobriety can also be a spectrum too. There's so many people out there who are capable of only having one drink. I'm sure as shit not, I do not have that privilege and luxury. Like that to me, I'm like, why would you waste the calories? And like, why are you drinking if not to not remember your life. So but I also know that I can smoke weed, and I can use mushrooms, medicinally and, and not feel triggered and actually use it very therapeutically and like push past blocks that I had drowned with the alcohol. But when I went to AA, when I first got sober, there was so much that I just couldn't get behind, even though I had a lot of examples from my family. And then I had to be like, okay, not everything is going to be a really good fit. But if you're going to be showing up and putting in the time, you might as well just try to get one thing out of it. So I started making this goal of like, all right, I'm just going to try to listen to other people and hope that their experience will maybe teach me something that will give me comfort. Or maybe I can just like switch out the name for the higher power and feel more comfortable or whatever it is in any situation, right? This is just my example. But that worked for me. And I took that and then was able to move on and I don't go to meetings anymore. I'm not against it. It's just not what works for me. I have an amazing therapist that I see every week instead. But it's all about finding that for you. Like some people, 12 step programs are all that works for them. Some people can really just go cold turkey and just make that decision and be like, no, I'm just that stubborn and driven that it's going to make it work. So I think that that is probably like the biggest life lesson. That I've learned, whether it's, I don't know who taught it for me. I think it's probably like the universe is just constantly teaching us that, right. Like it's not necessarily one source.
Courtney Nicole:I feel like you could really go far with that concept if it was just like, take one thing. So I think you could probably diffuse almost every argument that's ever happened. What is one thing that I can agree with? I think if you could just take one thing, it's almost like minimalist living, but in a psychological sense, where you're just like, what's the one thing I want to remember from this? No, I don't think any one religion has the answer and I don't think any person has the answers. I think it is about what we take from each of them. But we get so concerned with this is going to be a bad influence on me, or I'm going to have a bad trip or I'm going to this, that and the other. And you're just like, what's the part of it that's good? Because if it was 100% bad for you, people wouldn't do it. We are survivalists. So why are you doing it? And what's the one thing you can take from that? And maybe change it a little bit. Maybe get it from something that doesn't cause you actual pain or destroy relationships. But one thing. And there's real power in renegotiating and re navigating relationships if you can just say, so what I hear you saying is you really are impressed by me. Is that what I'm hearing? They're like, yeah, I guess so you're like, cool. Thanks. Are we done here?
Kayte:And also trying to check ego is a very big part of that, that I think is something that people don't give enough attention to. Like we are humans, of course we have ego. That's part of our survival instincts, I believe. But lately all I hear is Oh, you really have to take the ego, like completely out of it. And like, in some instances, sure, you definitely have to check your ego in order to understand and communicate maybe with somebody that you're disagreeing with, especially if it's heated. But at the same time I believe that there are situations where ego can actually fuel like a lot of good. I can recognize that my ego gets in the way when I'm going out there and like doing things, whether it's volunteering or public speaking, but it's still centered around me. But I still believe that because I'm that driven, I can empower and motivate other people to join me in those endeavors, if you will.
Courtney Nicole:I feel like it's that people are confusing ego with perspective. And maybe in like Hamilton, when they were like, Hey, if you don't stand for anything, what will you fall for, type of a thing when it's like, Hey, if you can tell me where you are on a subject, on an issue, on a like level in life, how are we supposed to know where to start? And if you can't identify where people's perspectives are, then we can't discuss what's on the table.
Kayte:That's exactly it. And also it's okay to have different opinions. Your egos can be in different places, but you can still be working towards the same common goal. And I think that's what I've been seeing with like cancel culture and things like that. I'm super against that term and just like the overall movement. I believe that there should absolutely be consequences to actions, and that's kind of what's being lost in this moment is that people are no longer trying to have people pay the consequences and then provide space for learning and growth. It's just fuck you. You fucked up. You're out. Like if I had been canceled for the amount of awful shit that I have done in my life, let me just remind everybody listening that again, I am sober now for a reason. Thank you to my friends and family who did not cancel me when I was drowning in my own emotions and feelings and had no idea which end was up and was probably projecting on everyone.
Courtney Nicole:Yeah, probably like acting from a real place of desperation. Like you were drowning and when people are drowning, they throw limbs and you absolutely probably knocked a few people out on the way up, but they kept coming back for you and throwing you a lifeline. So I agree with you. I had a discussion like this with my wife the other day about. Okay. So, Chick-fil-A is a company and they're their founder/owner/whatever/CEO has made a lot of donations to anti LGBT groups. This is all well-known information. And she was like, we're sitting there eating our nuggets, of course at this moment. And she's like, we probably shouldn't eat here. And I was like, why the hell not? Like. The owner and the CEO, while it does set a certain precedent and culture and expectation doesn't necessarily make up the entirety of this. And that goes back to that one thing. I'm like they make fricking amazing and tasty food and it's consistently good. Well, that's, I have known LGBTQ people that have worked there and it's a great place for kids, no matter anything else about them. To get a start, to have their first job, like who knows about the franchise owner here, or the manager here?
Kayte:Right. That's
Courtney Nicole:and like, Oh, are we going to cancel an entire society? Like how are we canceling people in livelihoods just because we don't agree with one person who we perceive as the leader. No, man, the leader and the power is with the people. And we stop empowering them, then we give up on so much. And I think if we could just take the one thing, we wouldn't have to give up on it, we can make something out of something little.
Kayte:I really appreciate the way that you just phrased that too, because it made me realize that that's also giving so much power to the CEO too. Which is essentially, like, canceling an entire country for their leader. Right. Which like, frankly, a lot of people did to this country,
Courtney Nicole:Yup.
Kayte:frankly. It was warranted. However, I think now too, like we're seeing with the change in leadership, that things are obviously still not perfect. And we still have just as far to go, but it's still a step in the right direction. And in order to vote people in and out of office, like, it starts with the little things. So I do think that there's so much merit in value in like talking to the people in your circles and starting on a smaller level. And then kind of unifying together to create actual change ripples, like up the chain of command, if you will. Whether it's protests about BLM or LGBTQ rights or our Asian community friends, everybody that's a minority community, or even just non minority communities, I've always said that I would rather ask the people who I know and love and trust the most who are close to me, how they want to be treated and how they can be supported before anything else. Because I can't change anybody's lives other than the people that are already in mine that I value and love. So. To me, it makes so much more sense to just call my friend and be like, are you okay? I know it's been a really heavy week. Do you want to talk? Like sometimes that's all people need to make change. And I also think cancel culture has started this movement of if you're not leading like this massive life-changing protest, what are you doing? Like, Do I have to be waving this flag of all of these amazing things I'm doing? Because to me that makes it feel like I'm taking away the attention from where it should actually be, which is on these communities that are trying to have their voices amplified.
Courtney Nicole:Yeah, it's just kind of like sweep your front door first. Quit bitching about how dirty the city is and trying to make big campaigns to change it. Because at some point, any kind of a movement like that is going to grow, and eventually it's going to need leadership. And I don't care how much you preach about de-centralizing or deconstructing or any of these other D words, at some point, there's going to be a higher point. And probability is very high that you won't agree with them on everything. And so then what are you going to do? Jump ship again? Like how much energy is wasted, just like building, building, building to this point. And then being like, eh, actually I don't this point, we're going to go at different and then building, building, building to this point. And you're like, why don't you just be you? Like you said, why don't you just call a friend? Because I really, really love what you said about you can't actually make any change except for the people you touch.
Kayte:Yes. And I'm sure that there are people who have seen you through several phases and know several different versions of you. And it's hard enough, I think as individuals to really reconcile all of the different facets of our personalities and ourselves and our spirits, so to have somebody else even validate any part of those, or multiple at the same time, I think is really powerful. And also just creates like a much safer space to get into the meaty shit, that's gonna be uncomfortable. And I'm not perfect. Like I have no idea what my black friends have encountered in life. Like I've seen it from my perspective, but I will never know. And I'm probably gonna mess up and say something that offends somebody along the way. But I hope that my friends would be like, Hey Kayte, I know your intentions were clear and pure there, but you really shouldn't say that and here's why. That's how you help people learn and grow so that next time, like that person can be like, Ooh, really got to stop myself and reconsider this entire sentence structure.
Courtney Nicole:Yep. And it's so easy to do. And yet, so few people do it. In like every single day things. Maybe it's a big faux pas, maybe it's a little faux pas. Right. I watched a security guard, I went to union station I've coffee with a friend the other day, right? And I watched the security guard go through an entire place, filled with people and all she was was combative. She just would walk up to people and be like, you need your mask on unless you're actively drinking. And I was like, Whoa. Oh my God. Yeah, seriously, I'll go kick their ass and come back and we can talk and you could cry for a second. Cause honey, bring down! Then like I had parked my moped, I guess, four feet farther from the bike parking area than it was supposed to be. So someone had moved it and that had fucked it up. So then I couldn't start it. So I'm sitting there like trying to start it and she comes out and she's like, I need to talk to you because the higher ups told me to tell you that you can't park it there. And I was like, okay. And she was like, so I need you to move it now. And I was like, I am trying my damnedest to move this thing, but somebody moved it already. And she's like, yeah, yeah. Well, I had to move it. Cause the higher ups told me. And I was like, okay, so it's fine. And she was like, well, I need you to know you can't park it here. And I was like, I tell you what we're going to have this conversation, not now, because I can just feel my blood pressure is like... and I was like, this is not the time. This is not the time or the place. And so I actually took my dog back. My dog is a therapy dog and I went back there like walked the whole way back, several blocks from my house. Probably don't know, 10, 15, took time out of my day, went, walked in and I was like, Hey, we interacted earlier. I heard that you were just, it sounded like you were having a rough day. So I brought a dog. Because dogs make everything better and you should pet the dog and feel better. That's all. And then left. Well, what I really wanted to do was be hired by the security company to come in and teach people how to be not combative.
Kayte:Yeah.
Courtney Nicole:was just like, Hey, that's a sick looking scooter, or I really liked that, or I'm sorry, having trouble starting it, or can I help you? Anything that would have just begun to like put us into the same space, I could have said Oh, I'm not okay at them a little frustrated right now. And she's I get that, you know, I was a little frustrated too, and this is how I suggest we work it out. I was like, Oh, okay. And Oh, and by the way, next time, you can just park it a little closer. That momentum of us working together would have been so different than the interaction I had, where I was like I'm not an angry person, but I'm angry. What's the phrase, it's like the spirit in me acknowledges the spirit in you? I wasn't sure if that's the Namaste that they do, but it's something along those lines, that's just like a greeting. It's not hi. Like I see you and that's the end of the story. It's I see, like, a part of me sees a part of you and part of you sees a part of me. And that's the part that we're going to interact with. And that's where the connection happens as a society. It's not, hi, you're also a short person. Or hi, you also have red hair. That starts the project. When you watch people connect, it's like the trenches. It's something very serious.
Kayte:Which this is full circle for me personally, because this is where I actually struggle with boundaries. Like I'm so empathetic, that it's a really big issue for me sometimes because then I don't, how do I want to say this? I don't honor my own boundaries, because I've almost put myself into their shoes so much that I can't be like, yes, and, this is also true. You know what I mean? Yes, you are allowed to have your feelings and your experiences, and so am I. And we don't necessarily need to be combating each other, but we need to kind of be listening and creating space so that we can tackle the issue together. And that doesn't happen easily. I mean, frankly, I'm just learning this lesson and it's because I finally have a partner who's like willing to do that too, you know, and we have a relationship that's long distance, so we literally have to constantly be communicating and talking about things. And, everybody has traumas. Everybody has triggers and insecurities. It's nearly impossible, even if you love somebody more than anything, to not trigger each other. Like in fact, I would argue that the closer you are to somebody, the easier it is to trigger them, even if you don't mean to. But to your point. With my best friends, I know that none of that is ever intentional. I know that those, those people would literally show up at 8:00 AM with coffee for me and help me move, no questions asked. But when the people that don't really get it, get into any type of hot water, it's almost impossible to have those conversations. Even when one person could be like, Hey, I'm not coming at you. And I really want you to understand that. I just am trying to explain where I'm coming from and where I'm feeling so that I feel heard enough to then hear you. And then we can really get to the root of this problem. Not just well, you did this and you did this and now we're fighting and we don't even know why!
Courtney Nicole:And nothing will unite people more than like a common goal. Which is why I think it's so important to go through struggling, or different issues in life, or be in groups. Maybe it's a 12 step program, or group therapy, or something for a minute. Because if you are like united and you're there with a thousand other people fighting a goddamn dragon, and somebody is like going to pull the bow back and like tit punches you, you don't pause in the middle of that and turn around and be like, Oh my God, how dare you? You're just like, no girl, you go, you go, I got this. It's okay. Like what dragons can we actually unite around? Because they're not dragons of world leaders. They're not dragons of some other CIS white male who's done something else. That's that's not the enemy. The enemy is the ideology. The enemy is the system. The enemy is the history that's been interpreted and passed down as a legacy. Like the enemy is something so much different. And we've got to unite around that so that we can start throwing punches. Because there's no way we can defeat a dragon if we're only with people that are just like tit punching us for the hell of it. You're just like, okay, if you just do that, because you're unaware then don't. But if we're all united and we're moving, you can hurt me, and it's okay. Like we got other things to worry about. And I think the beauty with culture and how we basically just live in a global society now is we have so many more options. We don't just have together around consistent ideology or parenting or, or, or. Those are all great campfires. And definitely find some people to gather with around the parts of you that are essential. Whether that's, drinking good whiskey, or parenting, or having dogs, like find gathering points and things to recognize in each other. But overall, especially in your own life, realize that you do have a tribe. And you want to be gathering those people with intentionality. And the parts of them that are most in tune with the biggest and best and most strong parts of you so that you can actually make a difference. You can go tackle a fucking dragon, like that's not going to happen if we're sitting here arguing about politics.
Kayte:So community over competition is my favorite phrase that I've come across in my decade of like social media work and marketing for
Courtney Nicole:I just Want to stitch it on my chest. Let's do it.
Kayte:What you said really resonated with me. When I was doing my lifestyle and music blog, it was called Mass Musings, and I started as like an influencer, like fashion blogger. LOL. But I was just like, this is so cool, but it reminded me of my sorority days. Yes. I was also in a sorority.
Courtney Nicole:Excellent. You do you boo.
Kayte:I know, but it was just. I think for me, I was very lost. And so the swim team that I was on in college wasn't enough. And Greek life was really the only thing. So I joined a sorority and then I ended up joining all of these other things and it turned out that the college I went to just wasn't the best fit for me. And it's part of my journey. So I don't regret it, but if I had to go back, I wouldn't go to the same school. Um, And then I realized after college, I was like, okay, I love having guy friends and girlfriends. I've never really been like a big group type of person. I've always floated and just had really close individual friends. And like sometimes we'll have a group, but yeah. I just was really looking for more of that community. And so then when I started into like the blogging and social media world, I was like, wow, this is almost worse because it's like, The real world, so more money's on the line and people are just like cutthroat. And I'm like, it took me years in my career to realize that I don't need their clients. Like their clients aren't my clients because we're different people and we're offering different services. So then as I'm growing my business, I'm trying to kind of preach that, but in a very creative way.And I felt like pre COVID, it just wasn't landing. And I ended up moving on and working it out front before COVID even hit. But it was partially due to the frustration that I was feeling around people, not truly understanding collaboration and community over competition. And then COVID hit. And it was like the world realized that we have been living this lie. And the sham comparatively to like our ancestors, if you will. So here's part two. I grew up in Maine and my grandmother always told me that we were part of the Penobscot tribe of Native Americans. Which we haven't been able to prove on DNA yet, but I'm not giving up hope because it was such a big part of my upbringing that I'm not ready for that yet, but I don't say that I'm part of that tribe because I, I can't prove it. So I don't want to disrespect anybody, but I have such a reverence for Native American culture. And in Maine, we even learn about it in public schools and we learn about the native lands and it's much more, I think respectful than some other things that I've heard from people in other parts of the country. Even the camp that I went to was on sacred native land. And we would have ceremonies where we would honor the native traditions and learn about the histories of it, which I thought was beautiful. But the one thing I always loved about natives was their community and that tribe, exactly like you said. And in the tribe, you don't always have to love everybody. In fact, you probably won't, but having a community is so paramount to support in any kind of success in life, I believe, but tying it all together now we're in this like post/slash/kind-of-still-COVID time where everybody is having these reckonings of holy crap, who am I? What am I? Where are we going? Where am I going? Almost like everybody is just completely reconsidering their lives. And I'm really starting to see that people are realizing that we need to kind of pare down at least as like a society. Technology has almost unified us too much, because there's now too many options and you're constantly searching whether it's online dating, or jobs, or friends, like it's overstimulated. People don't value human connection, just like you said at the beginning of this entire conversation. So part of me is like horrified that we got so far from that, but part of me is really excited that now we're kind of entering this new era of like, all right, I need other people and it's actually a sign of strength to ask for help because it's impossible for me to be everything for everybody. Like I am not pizza. I can't please everyone.
Courtney Nicole:Oh man. I love just like how all of this it's definitely threading together. So yesterday, my wife and I were talking about boundaries. And I think civilization kind of how we're discussing it here. And I think basically the way it happens is you're born into a family or a unit. And that's think of it like a circle for the people that are listening. Cause I'm having hand motions here, but you can't always see them. So there's a circle, right. And when you're born, you're inside that circle. And then if you have a lot of siblings, everybody kind of figures out, okay, this is my section of circle. And this is your section of the circle. And I think ultimately what is designed to happen is just like a bird leaving the nest, I know those are usually circle as well. You're supposed to step outside and build your own nest. And that's so rarely happens. People just stay inside the circle that they were raised in. Even if it's not family, even if it's a religion, or it's a train of thought around school and education, or gender, it doesn't matter. But you just are like, no, this is where I am. And you establish an identity. I was talking with someone who basically like, had been raised alongside bullies and I was just like, well, what's going on there? And what had happened was. And if you imagine the two circles close to each other and the one circle was like, can I be this big? And instead of saying, not really, cause that kind of is infringing on my space. So how about we both just be medium-sized until we can get out of this circle? The one that I was talking to just kept making her circle smaller. She was like, yeah, sure. You be, you be bigger. You be bigger. You be bigger. And I was like, hell, so now she's
Kayte:there's no space for you.
Courtney Nicole:Yeah. And now she wants to go back into that circle. She's made her own over here and now she wants to go back into that circle, but she feels like tiny flea sized because of how small she made herself in that space. And I think this happens like in friend groups and it happens in relationships, where you've establish a circle and then you grow inside it, and you either have to accept and negotiate the rules around the circle that you're in, or you have to strike out and set a new one. And when you strike out and you start a new circle, at first there's nobody else in it. And you get to set the rules for who gets to come in. Or you get to establish little connection points and bridges if you will, to the other circles. But I think each circle needs to have an ultimate owner. And they need to set the boundaries and just like cities back in the castle days, you need to be like, this is where I am.
Kayte:Right.
Courtney Nicole:And you can come here. I am the queen. I have built this. I have worked my ass off. You can come in through this gate or this gate, and you can not murder people while you're here. And here are our rules. Okay. Have fun. Come on in. And then when there's threats, you're like no one coming in or out. We just need to hold on for a second and really establish a sense of identity. That is your own circle. And I think it goes back to what you were saying about ego, where it's like it is ego. It's it's a definition. This is where I begin. And this is where I end. And this is what is mine to define. And mine to be okay with or not okay with. And what happens inside my walls is mine. Go make your own damn city. When I come visit your city, we'll do it your way. When you come visit mine, we do it my way. But so many people have this hesitation, cause they're like, I don't know if I really want to have to worry about building a city. I'm starting over and doing all this stuff. And I'm like, you can take whatever you want with you. You know, As you've grown up inside other circles, you've built up assets, take everything and start again. It's not just you, it's you and the knowledge and the power and just the nuggets that you've gained along the way that I think people discount and then dismiss because they don't understand.
Kayte:Yes. I couldn't agree more. And I'll speak from my own experience here, because I feel like this could go a lot of different ways depending on the person. But for me, when I grew up, I was an only child and I was always told it's not all about you, just because you're an only child. Make sure you share. And you don't have to have siblings. And first of all, we had exchange students that lived with me for years at a time, I went to an all-girls summer camp for seven weeks where I was in an electric free cabin with 10 other girls. Like I'm very good at sharing and living with people. But when you're told something like that over and over again, it's almost like it starts to become true for you. And so I was just such a people pleaser that I was so in my head about people thinking that I was always trying to make it about me. And admittedly, sometimes I do share anecdotes to relate to people, not realizing that I'm like maybe the timing's not right. And I think that's a work on, but it's really impacted my ability to lead in previous years, you know. Because I was so afraid that people were going to think that I was so self-serving, that I almost went so far in the other direction, just like your friend and I made myself so small. I was working in the music industry in LA when I lived there for a year. And I had just discovered house music. And it was this beautiful time in my life where I was finally around a community of people who were very free and liberated creatively and living this alternative lifestyle that I just never known growing up in Maine, catholic at a very small private school with all of these white people around me. And so I'm like, Loving this life, but it made me realize that I was going too fast on the track. So I was crashing and burning on a personal level, which led to the sobriety. And then when I got sober and my goggles came off, I really realized how small I'd made myself in this community of people. And I started setting boundaries like, Hey, I'm not actually gonna fly to this festival and take photos of you for free if you're gonna treat me like this. It doesn't mean that much to me. I'd rather come and support you as a friend. But people started being like, fuck you and turning it around on me because I was finally starting boundaries about where I was going and what I needed in return. Like at some point you can't just keep giving and giving and in a professional sense, especially, I think that's extremely challenging, right?
Courtney Nicole:But yeah, it is. It's just a journey. And I wonder what would happen if we took those things like, Oh, you're just an only child and you're self centered. And we took them and converted each one of them into like our power statements, because I don't think that they were wrong. I think that they were threatened by what we were like when I was in the nonprofit, people were just like, careful, Courtney's kind of like, she's, she's too powerful. Like she's a bad influence. And I was like, what if I just flopped it? What if I'm just an influence? And that's who I meant to be. Because then if I just keep it as like that, Oh, I'm a bad influence, at any time, the word influence comes up. I think of being a bad influence. Ooh. What if I'm a good influence? And what if I could flip that? So if you just take every part of it, that's Oh, Kayte's just really self centered and she's this. And I was like, what does she self-aware? What if she's everything she needs to be?
Kayte:I personally think I am, especially now that this point in my life. So I appreciate you saying that because I wish I'd had somebody telling me that four years ago. But also that really held me back from going out and creating my own thing too. Like when you say influence, it obviously makes me think of influencer, but like the missing piece, is you can be an influencer and not be like a Kim Kardashian. Like I'm technically an influencer. And I take that pretty seriously. Like I talk about a lot of shit like we've been talking about that I believe is really important. And I work with brands that I challenge to become more sustainable or more inclusive or whatever. Or that I just really like the products and I'm open about it. We're influencers because we're creating something different. Of course it's not going to be blowing up because it's something that people have never seen before or experienced, and there's a learning curve there.
Courtney Nicole:On the influencer note, I wanted to add that influencer is just like being a stick or a rock in a stream. It's just saying yeah, the water's going to flow differently because I'm here. And first of all, it's recognizing there are other rocks in the stream that are causing more problems than you, or maybe taking people down a more detrimental path or over into a stagnant section of the stream. So realize that if you're there, there's a high chance that the water will actually get to flow. And it's part of the natural process. But then it's also just not taking yourself so goddamn seriously. Like you're a rock and a fucking stream. You are not an actual waterfall in and of yourself. Like just let the water flow, just be the rock you want to be. Stand in the middle of the water and let it flow around you. But some point you just need to realize you're just a goddamn rock.
Kayte:Right. We're all just out here doing our best. And frankly, I'm just taking things one hour at a time these days. Not even a day, like one hour.
Courtney Nicole:Yeah. If that, if
Kayte:Yeah.
Courtney Nicole:All right. Well, I think, I think we've hit our time. So I'm going to, I'm going to wrap up this recording. Just remember that the universe is conspiring with you. Because I think that's such a good thing to kind of pull everything back together. It's Hey, you're not alone. If we're learning these things alongside you, you can learn them. And together the universe had you listened to this today. How did you hear this today? Because it's working with you to get you where you want to go.
Kayte:Go be an awesome rock. And also I hope people listening to this feel like they can reach out to us now too, and have these conversations as well. Cause I think that creates community beyond just anything we talked about. Like thank you so much for having me. I'm just so honored to be a part of this conversation. I really enjoyed
Courtney Nicole:If people do want to get in touch with you, what's the number one best way to find all your info.
Kayte:Instagram. And I will tell everyone now I'm absolutely horrific at responding in a timely manner because I'm just always on social media for work, but I will get back to you. My handle is just my name, Kayte Demont on Instagram and it's Kayte_Demont on Tik Tok. If you want to see me be really silly and dance around and do gay things.
Courtney Nicole:Oh, we'll definitely follow that. Thanks so much for joining us for the podcast today, and I hope you learned some valuable lessons that will help you on your journey to success. If you're interested in coaching with me, you can check out Nonpareilcoaching.com. That's NONPAREILcoaching.com. Courtney Nicole can be found on most social medias. You can also slide into my DMS on Instagram@courtandwhiskey. If you're interested in being a guest on this podcast, you can check out our website it's just the acronym for what our parents didn't teach us.com, www.WOPDTU.com to be a guest on the podcast. You can find us wherever you find your podcasts. Don't forget: the universe is conspiring with you.